Means, median, and media: You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.
In a popular corollary attributed to motivational speaker Jim Rohn, everyone is the average of the five people they spend the most time with. It sounds true and importantly, sounds good. Though it is an oversimplification of how personalities and peer-influence work, it is by virtue of necessity: excessive qualification and detail would have prevented this quote from penetrating the popular consciousness. I also increasingly see its impact in my life.
The first qualification is that it doesn’t have to be five people, it’s just who one spends the most time with. Whether it’s a large Greek-life fraternity friend group in college, or an aging parent that needs to be cared for, the exact size of the group doesn’t matter. Five is a nifty number, and most people can not only think of five people within their immediate social circles, but also note the influences that they have had on them. Personally, I play video games and basketball, read, run, and watch movies all because of my friends. Sure, I initiated some of these hobbies, but it’s the support and interest of my friends that has kept the moment up.
Of course, the appeal of the expression is in that it extends beyond hobbies, and towards other aspects of life: politics, career, wealth, and personality. In the same way as hobbies, it is incredibly difficult to establish if these relationships were formed because of these attributes, or if these attributes developed as a result of these relationships. The promise embedded within the statement is in the latter interpretation: surround yourself with successful people, and you will become successful yourself. Not only does this seem like a disingenuous reason to spend time with someone, it is impractical as well.
The good news is that the second qualification is that the people that one spends any time with at all also contributes to this average, not just those that are the most present. Anyone within one’s social network will have some sort of influence on perspective. Despite what politics an artist and their partner in professional services might profess to have, if they spend enough time with the finance bros from the latter’s job, they might eventually find their politics shifting. Likewise, a tech worker who moonlights once a week at a bar will find their ideas being influenced by the countless underemployed PhDs working there.
One specific phenomenon I’ve personally noticed is marriage. Marriage is the event that I hear about from people that I’m only acquainted with, and even those I’m not. People talk about weddings because they are a bid deal, and then all of a sudden, it seems like everyone is married and I’m wondering if I’m the odd one out. For people who need the motivation, an ambitious social circle doesn’t seem hurtful. But if someone is ambitious enough to spend time with only people they feel are productive, perhaps they aren’t lacking that sort of motivation.
The last qualification is that even those who one doesn’t really know but maintains a parasocial relationship with through consuming media have an influence, bigger than we attribute, perhaps on par with the first two. Of course, we know that people are influenced by what they see, but to return to the original quote, we forget how insidious the influence is: they are often the average of what they see. They are not only consuming influencer content, but they are also slowly becoming the influencers themselves. Every tradwife, sigma male, Vanderpump Rules, or Logan Paul video consumed, no matter how ironically or if for scientific purposes, has an influence on perspective and psyche. Just like at some point, Pookie turned from authentic to ironic, and then somehow ironic again, social media content finds a way to worm in.
This is further abetted by the vicious “survival of the fittest” social media cycle, where jokes and people that have no staying power are discarded with last week’s recycling. Those that survive across microniches are then refined by the algorithm until it’s a pure dopamine hit, triple distilled. And the content of what remains is, by virtue of the digital influencer profession is an obsession with all that is materialistic, a fixation on status, a preoccupation with appearances, and of course, a need for recognition and fame. This is not a criticism of influencers: don’t hate the player, hate the game. But as much as this is a necessity for those who are involved in creating this content, they are now a personality that their audiences spend time with, often more than with their families or friends. And though most millennials are media-savvy enough to recognize a persona when they see one, Gen-Z might not. Regardless, both still fall victim to their influence.
The way to combat this, is then only to watch alpha male grindset videos. I jest, I have absolutely no idea what can be done. Stop watching shortform video content? No, no, how will I know what’s happening in the world? In seriousness, I don’t think short film video and online celebrities are evil, but acknowledge their outsized influence on perspectives and personalities, particularly in this fluid, post-modern age, particularly for those without a strong sense of self, like adolescents. Even with a wary eye, I find myself affected by the endless online proselytization. I credit many of much of my political opinions to social media discourse: a dangerous and polarizing game to be sure, but also inevitable; I need to get my dopamine from somewhere.
When qualified and expanded like this, the original quote loses much of its punch: “You are greatly influenced by everyone you engage with on every level.” Yet it is important to realize the impact that repeated whispers, no matter how quiet, can have. It’s not just the people that one spends the most time with, but anyone they interact with. Perhaps the self-improvement junkies out there should spend less time cultivating their inner circle and cutting out friends, and instead worry about their larger environment, and what media they’re consuming. But as with those one spends the most time with, it’s often difficult to tell who has influenced who. Not only are those surrounding you influencing you, they are also a mirror, perhaps the truest mirror you will ever have of yourself.
