Girlmath, or How we cope
A few weeks ago, my partner first mentioned the term ‘girlmath’ to me. I’m not privy to whether it’s a term that’s been around for a while, something that only recently began making rounds on the TikTok, or her original idea. Either way, she presents it as a logically inconsistent way to self-justify expenditure of time or money. I know that this is nothing new, nor is it exclusive to the domain of young women, but it’s a funny moniker nonetheless. My first reaction was that the mental gymnastics that anyone does to rationalize their own behaviour is not only dishonest to oneself, but counterproductive, but is it really?
The self-deception extends past buying something unnecessary on sale, and telling oneself that they’ve earned money. If I have three beers at happy hour for eight bucks a pop, but normally they’re eleven, I’ve made nine dollars, and deserve two more. If I’m hung over as a result of that night, and unable to sleep past eight, but normally would have slept until noon, I’ve earned 4 hours. Then, as I lie on the couch that afternoon, unable to do anything, out hundreds of dollars from a night out having only slept five hours, and watching the weekend bleed away, I realize how much I despise myself and what I’ve spent the weekend doing.
Dark, I know. I’ve since developed a better relationship with alcohol, but this rationalization of behaviour also occurs aside from substances. Whatever it’s for though, it’s a coping mechanism for someone who doesn’t want to face reality. Whether it’s the reality of a drinking habit, a spending habit, or a life of ennui, the rationalizer doesn’t want to deal with the reality of the situation. If a compulsive gambler tells themselves that they’ll win the money back, or a kleptomaniac tells themselves that big corporations deserve it and it’s ultimately a victimless crime, the problem exists, and instead of coming to terms with it, they’re justifying it to themselves because they don’t like the idea of them behaving like this either.
Even as an armchair psychologist, I am in no way equivocating DSM-5 psychological disorders with someone getting over a mental hurdle in buying a new pair of sneakers. But at the very least, there is clear cognitive dissonance occurring: I should not be doing this, but it’s okay because of this. There should be a better way of handling it in lieu of intentional logical errors. Despite feelings of guilt for not exercising or pangs of regret for overspending, it would be better to acknowledge those feelings and move forward instead of denying that they have a place at all. It’s okay to take a rest day and to splurge once in a while. To go a step further would be to acknowledge those voices and what to do with them: Should I pay attention to them because they are right, and stop engaging in the behaviour that causes them? Or should I dissect them and see why they’re rearing their heads because they make no sense.
Even with this supposed level of awareness, I still have little stories that I tell myself. When I find a great travel deal, the trip is actually saving me money, instead of it being something that I wouldn’t do otherwise. That is a story that I need to learn to ignore and realize that perhaps I spend too much time and money traveling. Sometimes I feel guilty spending time with friends and family, because I should be using that time to do something productive, and I rationalize it by telling myself that I would be burning my time on the internet anyways. That is a voice I need to cut out, because spending time with my love ones is a good use of time, and I shouldn’t rationalize this behaviour by thinking that it’s time wasted anyways.
The inverse of this is that it’s sometimes healthy to tell ourselves little lies to cope with reality. Sometimes life is too much to handle without justifying our little guilty pleasures, or to feel better about poor decisions after the fact. But as appropriate as it is to solve symptoms of the issue, it is still important to realize that this ongoing justification of behaviour exists, and eventually the root cause will need to be addressed. Perhaps, the situation will resolve itself in due course, such as the end of marathon training, or an internship running its course. Or, the situation will become more palatable as time progresses, such as commuting or childrearing. Of course, I speak from a position of relative privilege where I don’t have chronic issues that plague me — or at least I don’t think I do.
We all like to see ourselves as actors in this world, individuals with agency. For our sanity, it’s important to believe that we make our own decisions, and hold the reins of our adult lives, and often rationalizing our actions help us maintain that veneer: we are choosing to take these actions, and they are not forced upon us by a parent, partner, or society. Furthermore, it is important to us to believe that we are in control of our faculties, and we make logical decisions, not at the whim of our neurological hardwiring which is really that of a hairless ape. But realistically we are rarely ever in control, so we lie to ourselves when it is necessary to cope.
I stand by my statement that chronic self-deception usually obstructs growth, while acknowledging that it might have short-term benefits that may prove to be beneficial. We live in the precarious balance of the lives that we tell ourselves to cope with our reality and becoming too removed from that reality. When that balance is lost, it’s easy to become sullen about the state of the world and our lives, or detached from causes and consequences. Still, at the top of the slippery slope, it’s okay to have an extra beer or an extra hour of sleep without spiraling into rationalization and coping mechanisms. I’ve since realized that perhaps it’s not something that should be done regularly, but to err is human, and self-forgiveness can only happen when the error is recognized. So girlmath or boymath as required, just not too much.
